It's just a can of paint.

It’s been 4 years. The can of paint is still sitting on the shelf, smeared and dented, no longer sticky but covered with my paint-laden finger prints from the first time I opened it. It’s a can of paint among dozens of others, sitting in the garage, all full or half-full, of various shades and finishes. Each representing an unfinished project, an abandoned remodel, a wall left untouched. But only this can of paint, this shade of lilac, this abandoned dream, can take my breath away and reduce me to tears. Or could.

It’s just a can of paint, but for so long it was so much more. It was the promise of a life according to plan. It was tea parties, pretty dresses, pig tails and nail polish. It was girl talk, life lessons in feminine wiles, and the passing on of heirlooms, few as they may be. It was the prospect of raising another like me, only better, less broken. It was wrong. I was wrong.

It has only ever been a can of paint. The dreams, the plans, the prospects were mine, and when they didn’t materialize, I tossed them all in that can and tapped the lid shut tight, just not tight enough. Every time I saw it on the shelf, the wound ripped open, my heart broke a little bit more. But that was me, not the can of paint. I didn’t get what I knew I wanted, what I thought I needed. I got something better, something more, but I couldn’t see it for the can of paint in the way.

He was not what I expected. He has become so much more. He is red and yellow, not lilac and white. He is dirt and pirates, a monkey in a cape instead of lace and nail polish, or pigtails on a princess. He is snotty kisses and raucous laughter rather than dainty pecks and tender giggles. He is so different, and yet so very much the same. He is me in miniature, only funnier and with more fire, more righteous indignation and determination to make the world what he sees it should be. He has my heart. He is my heart. And there is no can, color, or finish of paint that will change that.

It’s time I threw that can of paint away.

Tiger Woods Does NOT Owe Me An Apology.

And I'm so fucking tired of hearing about his stupid press conference on Friday, and the speculations that he's going to apologize to America for his philandering while announcing his return to or retirement from golf. Who cares? Seriously. I'm not his wife. I'm not his mother. I'm not his employer, his friend, his child, his anything. Where he put his dick is none of my business or concern. Do I think he's a complete douche bag for cheating? Yeah. Sure. But I don't know his life, or his wife, or what led him to that place. And do I need to know all the gory details about who, how many times, where and how? Fuck. No. Nor do I want to.
I don't understand why the general public feels entitled to know the intimate details about a person's life because they happen to be a celebrity. He was unfaithful. It happens. There are millions of people walking the planet who've strayed down that same path, and I would no sooner walk up to them and demand to know where their dicks have been than I would Tiger Woods. And yet, every news channel, every magazine, every sports section of every paper is salivating at the opportunity to do just that. It's annoying. It's obnoxious. It's the furtherance of the sense of entitlement that has permeated every aspect of society, and it's sickening.
And I don't give a shit that some people look up to him and/or call him a role model. That's your decision, not his. He didn't ask to be your hero. He asked to play golf. You gave him that status in your life. He didn't seek it out. And if you taught your kids to idolize another man, to hold a faulted, imperfect mortal like themselves to and exalted, idealized, and impossible standard of perfection, that's on you too. Time to explain reality.
He's an athlete, not a god. He's a man who plays golf. Let the man play golf. Let his wife worry about where he's been. And for fuck's sake, quit talking about his douchey behaviour. I'm sure his wife is sick of hearing about it too.

TILTing on Top of The World

There is a raging party in my sinuses right now, so this week's TILT is going to be short and sweet.

I love that new and exciting things are on the horizon for Ninja. I wish he was as confidant in himself and his abilities as I am.

I love the sound of my boys playing and chasing each other in the living room while I make dinner in the kitchen.

I love that Oscar is so excited by being able to do new, but simple, things.

I love that Victor makes a point to ask at least one good question every day at school so he can tell me all about his question and the answers he found when he gets home.

I love that this weekend Oscar will finally get his birthday party, roller skatin,g friends, cake and all.

I love that we are fortunate enough in this life, in these times, to be able to give him that party and these memories.

I love putting the boys to bed at night. I love that they fight over who gets to read with Ninja and who gets to cuddle with me. I'm not looking forward to the days ahead when they don't need or want that quiet time with us any more.

I love being back at work after a long vacation.

I love validation.

I love Vlad and Sergey and every other student who has landed in my classroom for how hard they work and all that they accomplish.

I love that I get to be a part of that work, and a witness to their successes.

I love they have so many successes to share and celebrate, and that they remember to come celebrate them with me.

I love that I get to do something every day that matters so much. I GET to do it. And I know how fortunate I am in that.

I love my mentor in my grad program. She's funny. She's smart. She's a smart ass like me. And she's a realist. I love her for her cool and collected demeanor, her sharp wit, and her absolute refusal to be anything less than direct and honest with me but in the nicest way possible. I love that she gets me and my inane/insane ramblings and pointless rebellions. She rocks and again I know how fortunate I am to have her.

I love that I have the opportunity to earn this masters degree to further my work with these kids.

I love that my favorite student got to choose her classes for next year, and she tried to sign up for my classes twice to fill her day. :) I had to change it to make room for classes she needs, but again, I love validation.

I love efficiency.

I love going to the gym, being sore, and feeling like I've done something for myself at the end of the day without ripping off the people who depend on me.

I love that I've finally allowed myself to be a priority in my own life on occasion without feeling guilty.

I love Biggest Loser for inspiring me to do so.

I love my people and the fun, wisdom, and stability they add to my life.

I love that Kim and her family are on the road to better.

I love that Teri is too.

I love that Millie had an awesome birthday, and that she got to go to Vegas.

I love seeing everyone's childhood pictures. Some look so different and some so much the same. I love that we are willing and able to share a piece of our younger selves with each other.

I love that I apparently have no concept of what the word short actually means judging by the length of this TILT. :)

What are you loving this week my lovelies? I hope it's lots.


Peace out, homies,

L

Tot-sized TILT

Tomorrow is Oscar's 3rd birthday, so today's TILT is all about Os!

3 years ago on this day, at this time, my contractions had just begun. I was excited and nervous, feeling like everything was different and yet the same as when I went through it with Victor. I had a million thoughts running through my head, but none of them prepared me for the wondrous little boy that greeted me at the end of my labor. I love that he has been a surprise a minute since the second he was born.

I love Oscar's energy. It's exhausting, sometimes frustrating, but absolutely amazing and entertaining to be around.

I love Oscar's perspective. He sees things in such a funny and creative way sometimes, and has begun to be very descriptive.

I love Oscar's language. He says the funniest things, even to the point of cracking himself and everyone around him up.

I love the way Oscar says his brother's name-Wictah-and always at the top of his lungs!

I love that Oscar loves his brother more than anyone else, more than his toys or movies, more than his friends.

I love that even though they are three years apart, Wictah and Os are the best of friends (most of the time).

I love Oscar's facial expressions. He is a clown. He is adorable. And he knows it. You can always tell when he's up to no good. His sly little grin and furrowed brows give him away every time. He has such an expressive face for such a little guy.

I love that Oscar is, unabashedly and unapologetically, his own person. His personality is strong and unique. I know, without a doubt or reservation, that I will never have to worry about him losing himself to someone else's ideas. That boy has known he was the boss since he took his first breath.

I love that where other kids his age are timid, shy, and afraid of the world, Oscar is bold, brave, and confident in his position on this rock.

I love, that in the quiet moments, when it's just Oscar and I, I can see the man he will become, and I am already proud of him.

I love, that even though he is a monster much of the time, Oscar is still my baby, my little boy, looking to cuddle in the middle of the night, when he's feeling tired, or just feeling like some quiet time.

I love that I am his safe place, his soft place to land, his comfort.

Mostly, I love my Oscar.

These guns should be illegal.

Dance of the Sugar Plum Oscar

All he wants for Christmas is his neck!

Happy birthday, my littlest love! Thank you for three of the most fun filled and exciting years I've ever known. You never cease to amaze or entertain. :)

All my love,
Mama

A word of caution

To the ASSHATS in room 301:

Being a parent, I understand that children are often inconvenient. I totally get that they can delay or derail your plans, and it can be annoying. But you made them. So deal with it. And when I say deal with it, I don't mean wait until your 3 year old falls asleep and then sneak out of your hotel room, leaving her alone and unattended for who knows how long so you can go do whatever it is that is more important than caring for the child you created.

You are lucky. You are more than lucky. You are absofuckinglutely fortunate that it was me who found your daughter screaming in the hall, and not some predator. She was alone, nearly naked, half asleep, and scared out of her mind, wandering the halls looking for you, screaming for you, crying into every doorway she stumbled into begging for her mommy and daddy to come out and take her back to bed. Do you realize that the town your hotel was in is in the top three for percentages of sexual predators and Megan's Law listees in the state? Have you read the paper or watched the news recently? Do you understand how quickly your whole world, and hers, could have changed because you wanted breakfast and she wasn't up yet? Do you care?

I sat with her, in my pajamas, not fully awake myself, for ten minutes while another guest at the hotel went looking for you. The hotel staff combed the entire floor of the hotel and the dining areas, calling your names, asking for the parents of ****** to come to the desk or return to your room, and you were nowhere to be found. After 15 minutes, you wandered up, coffee from the coffee shop down the street in hand and paper under your arm as if nothing had happened and all was well with the world. Meanwhile, your daughter was sobbing hysterically into my shoulder, convinced you had abandoned her, and the hotel manager was contemplating calling CPS. When you reached for her, she leaned into me and away from you. I can't say that I blame her.

And when you laughed about the situation, I could have punched you in the mouth. Really. You're very lucky I wasn't fully awake.
If your coffee is more important than your daughter, you've no business being a parent.
Next time, I won't be there and your daughter may not be so fortunate.
Get your shit together.

Sincerely,

The Bitch down the hall

TILTing into the new year

This year seemed to fly by and crawl along all at the same time. It's amazing how independent of reality one's perception of time can be. This is the last TILT of 2009, and so it seems fitting that it encompass all of the things I have loved and been loved by in this year of awkward advancement and self discovery.

As usual, I love my kids.
I love that Victor sees the world in his own matter of fact and analytical way. Everything is a puzzle for him to put together, a mystery to be solved, a clue to be read. I love that I can see his wheels spinning when he's picking something apart in his head. He sees things in such a direct and literal way, black and white with very little grey. He asks such great questions and believes there is an answer to every one, it's just a matter of finding it. It is a magical and amazing thing to see. I also love that Victor has discovered knock knock jokes.

I love that Oscar always has a song in his head and a laugh in his belly. He is ever the entertainer and the adventurer. But no matter what he's doing, he's humming a tune, singing a song, and dancing to the rhythm of the music in his head. Where his brother sees lines and grids of black and white, Oscar sees swirls and squiggles of color and texture. I love that he is already unapologetically his own person.

I love Ninja. I've come to realize over the curse of the last year that I take much of what he does for granted without meaning to. He loves me for who and what I am. And even when I try my hardest to push him away, he is steadfast and true, a constant in the chaos. I know for certain that my life would have taken a very different, and not better, path had I not met him when I did. Thank you seems so inadequate, and yet so necessary.

I love my job. I was out of the classroom last year and can honestly say that I have never felt as dissatisfied with my life as I did then. Returning to work confirmed for me that I am in the right place doing the right thing.

I love that I still have a job I love when so many of my friends have lost or will lose theirs. I feel extremely fortunate and so very, very grateful.

I love that I have the honor of doing something that makes a difference. As I was grading finals, I came across a note one of my students wrote me on the back of his test. He has been in my classes for 4 years. When he entered my class for the first time, he had only been in the country for a few days. He had a vocabulary of about ten words in English. He was shy and scared. For 2 years he did very little, and became one of those students you love but want to hurt because they just won't help themselves. He could not read. He would not write. Last year, he was in someone else's class, and he was in constant trouble and pretty rude to his teachers. But this year, things are different. And he wrote me a note telling me so. His note was a thank you note and an apology. He told me that he knew he had been difficult for everyone for the last three years and he was sorry for being rude, but he wanted to explain. He said that he could not read, he could not understand how the letters worked together or what they were supposed to sound like, and he was embarrassed. He said that this year, I taught him how to read and now everything makes sense. He said that for the first time since leaving his village, he feels like he can do something more than work in his uncle's store when he graduates. He said for the first time, he's thinking about graduating instead of dropping out. He said for the first time he actually wants to do his work and reads at home. Because he can. And he said thank you. He's not embarrassed any more.

I love constant and continued friendship.

I love that this year I was able to take my family to some of those constant friends. My worlds collided, and it made things so much more wonderful.

I love that I finally feel like an adult. I'm not a grown up, but I am an adult. I've never felt this confident, self assured, or independant as I have come to feel in this year.

I love that as a result of that confidence, I finally feel as if I deserve this life. I no longer feel as if I have to apologize for being me, for having what I have or doing what I do. I love knowing I'm worth loving.

I love that I have people who love me enough to tell me I'm an asshole when I need to hear it and expect me to do the same for them.

And I love that I have other people who call or text or email to remind me that my life is pretty amazing, and that I deserve for it to be so.

I love that I have found a place to be. Victor set me back on the path to finding a spiritual home, and Sara drew me a map. I love that in finding Beth Shalom, I found a community of people who take me for what I am and like it. The fact that I am ambivalent about the existence of God isn't an issue. I am not a pariah, an infidel, or an outsider. They want nothing from me and are always happy to see me. They are home.

I love Facebook for bringing new and different people into my life, making it all the more rich and varied.

I love the music I've discovered and the emotions it stirs.

I love that this list could go on and on. I am fortunate and grateful. I know how very different things could be.

I hope that this year ends on a high note for all of you. May the new year find you healthy, happy, and hopeful.

Thank you for being a part of my world. Be safe out there tonight so you can continue to be so.

Peace out, homies,

L

The Why Of It All

I found Jillian Michaels on Facebook today. Someone else became a fan and I followed a link. This is what greeted me at the top of her page.

"He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How"- Nietzsche. So true. Weight loss is hard. So how do you tolerate the "how" of it? The answer, "Why" is weight loss worth it. Example: are skinny jeans worth passing on donuts? Is avoiding heart disease worth 30 min of exercise? With the new year upon us, meditate on your "Why". Then begin educating yourself & acting on the "How".

Nothing could have been more appropriate than that quote on this day. I've been thinking a lot lately about why I do things, and more often than not, I find my motivation is exterior. I have become one of those people that rarely does anything for herself, and suffers for it. My kids, my husband, my friends never go without if I can help it. But I often do. I don't want for material things. I have more than enough food, a beautiful home, too many possessions. But I don't make time for myself. I don't take care of myself. I don't do for me what I do for others. And really, I think that the reason is that I've never felt like I deserved it. There are a million and one reasons that I could give for why I feel that way, but really, none of them matter.At this point, they have all become excuses. At some point, as an adult, you need to stop thinking about the negative lessons you learned as a child, let go of the impressions of yourself imposed upon you by others during your formative years, stop blaming your parents for your habits and predilections, and get the hell on with being a healthy and productive human being. And that's where I am. I've finally realized that, while it may be noble to live for my kids now, at some point, they will grow up and and move on into lives of their own, and I will be left with the repercussions of my current neglect. And I've only just realized that I deserve better.

I need to be the reason I get off the couch every day and go for a run. I need to be enough. My life, my well-being need to be what picks my ass up and pushes it out the door to the gym at 5am. I need to be my why. I am worth losing weight and getting healthy. I am worthy of it, too. It's just taken me until now to realize it.

A New Love

I was recently introduced to the AMAZING music and comedy of Tim Minchin. He is hilarious, insightful, irreverent and just absolutely, astoundingly, articulate. I can't get enough of him or his stuff. His song "White Wine In The Sun" is the best anti-Christmas/ Christmas song. Ever. Really. His ideas and his voice, his crazy hair and eye make-up and his general presence in and perception of the world remind me so much of my brother, Ray, that I am seriously becoming obsessed (in a non-stalker and totally healthy fan-girl kind of way!)
If you've not listened or experienced him, please do. He is incredible!

Enough

It's not that I don't have anything to say. But sometimes, I say something here and then don't know how to follow it. I posted last on the anniversary of my brother's death about my frustration and anger over the grieving process, and how long and protracted it can be. And then I didn't know what else to say. I've posted other blogs in other places (namely Facebook) but haven't brought them here because they seemed so disjointed with the mood I set with that post. And for some reason, it never occurred to me before now that there doesn't have to be continuity of theme and mood here any more than there does in my head. So I've had enough of splitting my posts and leaving the self loathing and painful posts hanging for months on end. I'm going to move my other posts here. So there'll be a bit of back dating and an influx of posts. Not a ton, but some, and then I'll try to get my head on straight and post here more often than not. For the whole three of you who pay occasional attention. :)

Tinseled TILT

It's been three weeks since I last TILTed. The end of the semester sucked the life out of me for a bit there. So today's TILT will include pieces from weeks past. It's a mixed bag on this Christmas Eve. :)

I love the excitement running through the boys' veins. Their energy and absolute adoration for this time of year is palpable. It's so much fun to watch and an honor to be a part of.

I love that my kids get to celebrate both Hannukah and Christmas. They win the holiday jackpot! I love that neither is JUST about presents for them or for us, that who they see is just as important and awesome for them as what they see in that box or under the tree.

I love my students. I've said it before, but really, they are awesome human beings. Many of my kids are away from their parents. They are living here with other relatives or friends. I love that when one of them has a birthday, the others pitch in and throw that kid a party during lunch. Someone comes late or leaves early to get a cake, they gather in my room, and they celebrate with and for each other. None of them ask for it. None of them expect it. But they all participate. It's an incredible and amazing thing to watch. It nearly brings me to tears every time they do it. It's such a little thing, but to the kids who otherwise wouldn't have a party or be celebrated or even acknowledged, it means the world.

I love the cold, sharp winter air. I don't so much love the itchy skin, but I can't get enough of the cold air into my lungs when I'm outside. It's my own little version of crack. :)

I love snow! It snowed! At my house! That hasn't happened in 30 years! It was barely enough to notice, but enough to paint the grass white for a few hours and cause my kids to lose their shit. It was awesome. I want more!

I love the lights and decorations, the music and the sounds of this season. I'm not always in the mood for it, but when I see my kids' faces light up over a song on the radio or movie on tv, it changes pretty quickly.

I love that Bette Midler found a way to Jew up classic Christmas carols. Her album "Cool Yule" has been on heavy rotation for a week now. :)

I love my trashy chili pepper lights on the outside of my house and on my mantle. I love the blue beast of a tree in my living room.

I love baking. I love the way the house smells when something's in the oven. I love the way the boys pop in and out of the kitchen while it's cooling on the rack, begging for a taste or just a little piece. I love having something sweet to share with friends when the mess is made and the baking's all done.

I love clarity.

I love Chinese food and movies when the rest of the world is running like mad to be somewhere else.

I love surprises (of the non-explosive variety) in my mailbox! I don't know why, but I am always surprised when I open the box and find a card or letter in there addressed to me. It makes my day and leaves me feeling all warm, tingly, and loved. :)

I love the quiet. It doesn't happen often, but as I type, my house is blissfully silent. The boys are sleeping. The Ninja is otherwise occupied, and I'm alone with my laptop and my thoughts. Heaven.

I love my people. My life would not be the wonderland it is without your contributions to it. You keep me sane and make me crazy all at the same time, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you. I am thankful for you. And I hope you know that all year long.

Whether or not you're celebrating in the morning, I hope your day is an awesome one full of the things and people you love most.

Peace out, homies,
L

TILTing on the Tiltiest Day of Them All

Turkey edition:

This week, I am loving my immune system and my general good health. Being so sick last week, I realized that I take my health and strength for granted. I plan to change that. I need to change that.

I love my children. I love that my children are healthy and happy and well-adjusted.

I love my husband. I love that he loves me, dimples, wrinkles, grays, attitude and all.

I love my family.

I love that we have the luxury of too much food, Wii battles, and a day full of silliness with friends and loved ones today.

I love the people willing to sacrifice to afford us the luxury of a silly day and too much food. Deployed, stationed abroad, or home-side, thank you for your service and sacrifice.

I love peanut butter! I love that Sheryl sent me the MOST amazing peanut butter all the way from New York. I love Sheryl! Freaking. Amazing.

I love baking. I love getting my hands sticky, peeling apples with a paring knife, shooing the boys out of the kitchen, watching their faces light up and their excitement build as the smells of baking pies and breads waft through the house. I love having something delicious to show for the mess and the work.

I love making Thanksgiving dinner for my family. It's been a few years since I have because we've been pulled in various directions, but I love it. I love planning the menu, shopping for the ingredients, prepping, trying new recipes, and feeding the ones I love. It's messy and exhausting, but there's no other feeling like it. Next year.

I love humor. I love people who 'get' my humor and are hilarious in their own right.

I love people who are passionate and intelligent.

I love Ancient Angry Annie. Her total geriatric flame out at the grocery store yesterday made me laugh, made me squirm, but mostly gave me something to shoot for when I'm older than dirt. :)

And as always, I loooooooove my people. I am so very thankful for your presence and participation in my life. If I haven't said it before, let me say it now, I would not be here without you. My life would not be the rich and varied playground it is without you. Thank you.

I love that I have so much and so many to love and be thankful for today and every day. I also love that I can see how really very lucky I am.

What are you loving today?

Peace out, homies,

L

TILTing on the Edge of Insanity

This week's edition of TILT is brought to you by the flu.

I love 7-up and Orange juice, otherwise known as the elixir of life.

I love hot showers on an achy body.

I love that Ninja has come home from work early every day since I got sick to take care of the boys and cancelled his trip up north so he could be here to take care of them and me.

I love that my boys are relatively easily entertained, and go out of their way to keep busy when they know I'm sick and can't play with them.

I love that Victor called himself my 6 year old babysitter, ordered me to lay on the couch and cover up in a blanket, and kept touching my forehead to check my temperature on Tuesday when I first got sick.

I love that Oscar has kept touching my forehead and telling me "yous on fiyah mama, still sick. your head burned me!" every time he does.

I love that I have a job that allows me to take sick leave. I've taken three days off with this ick. That's more time than I've ever taken for anything other than death or maternity leave. I love that I was able to take these days off rather than having to struggle through and spread this crud around.

I love my immune system. Slowly but surely it's fighting off this virus. I'm not better, but I will be. I can feel it happening little by little.

I love soup.

I love my couch.

I love the big, thick, Mexican blanket that has been my cocoon for the last three days.

I love that I can whine about being sick on here and rather than telling me to suck it up, my friends and family ask how they can help.

I love my people.


And now I'm going to slink off and pass out on my couch again.

What are you loving today my lovelies?

Peace out, homies,
L

TILT-ilation on a Friday morning

I fell asleep again, and failed to TILT. Boo. But I fell asleep with an icky feeling midget snuggled up on my lap, so I think I get a pass.

Anyway, onto the love.

This week, I have SO much to love.

I love my birthday. It's Veteran's Day. I love that on my birthday, we stop and say thank you to those that make the freedoms and comforts we enjoy possible.

I love Ninja. He tries every year to make my birthday special and wonderful, and usually succeeds. It's not about the gifts or the stuff, but that he cares enough to try. Although I love that he bought me a Wii Fit, even though the last thing we needed was another game system. It was a completely unnecessary and frivolous purchase, which is exactly contrary to his nature, but he did it for me. And I love it. :)

I love my boys. They were more excited about my birthday than I was. Hearing them giggle and squirm in anticipation while I fruitlessly tried to sleep in was the best present ever. The hugs and kisses and 'you're beautiful's I got all day long were even better.

I love that Oscar has started singing Moto Moto's song from Madagascar 2 "I like 'em big, I like 'em CHUNKY!" It's hilarious!

I love unexpected visits from my mom. She drove all the way down here to see me on my birthday, and it was awesome.

I love my sister. She was sick but still got out of bed to bring me flowers and donuts at school. She even tortured my students by making them sing happy birthday to me before they could have a donut. She is awesome!

I love that Chaska is going to be a mama. That is one of the luckiest fetuses ever! Grow baby, grow!

I love having people. All day long my FB page and my phone were on fire with people telling me happy birthday and that they loved me. I have people! People who love me and aren't obligated by DNA to say so! It's a relatively new thing for me, to have so many people I call friend. It's a kind of security I have not enjoyed before. Thank you, friends!

I love that my favorite student finally got the glasses she needed. She can see now! And she loves her glasses. I caught her staring at people's faces yesterday as if it was the first time she'd seen them, just analyzing the detail and taking it all in. She was so cute walking into the room wearing them yesterday. She pointed to my glasses and then to hers and gave me a thumbs up. I freakin' love that kid!

I love saying thank you. It makes me feel good to acknowledge what others have done for me.

I love mashed potatoes.

I love mint.

I love the smell of chicken baking in my oven.

I love the sound of my boys playing, even when they're torturing each other.

I love my Ipod and all the delicious music it holds.

I love my phone. It keeps me connected no matter where I go.

And I love the absolutely wrong in the head women who keep me going and crack my shit up every single day. Thank you ladies. You know who you are.

And I also love the Assholympics, bringing a 'hole' new meaning to competition. Watch out for gravel, that shit snags!

What are you loving this week, my lovelies?

Peace out, homies,

L

TILTing a little late

I fell asleep before I could TILT last night, so I'm posting a little late. Sorry!
For anyone new to the world of TILT, it's a weekly posting of things I love. Tee, the fabulous Tee, started it a while back, and many of us have followed suit in sending out a little love and admiration into the Universe.

So here are the things I'm loving this week:

I LOVE THAT THE YANKEES ARE WORLD CHAMPIONS ONCE AGAIN!!!!!! Ahem, I mean, go Yankees! Woot!

I love playing games with the boys. Oscar has learned how to throw a ball, and Vic is learning how to use the computer. Watching them blossom while figuring out the intricacies of games, watching their minds work and their faces light up when they finally figure something out is absolutely and amazingly the best sight ever.

I love that Ninja is feeling better. He was really sick last weekend, and I was worried it would become something more, but he's on the mend and getting back to himself. It's pretty awesome.

I love Dia de los Muertos. The tradition, the ofrendas, the thinking and believing that goes into it. It's beautiful and wonderful and a little heartbreaking, but I love it more every year.

I love that it's pumpkin pie and egg nog season!

I love intelligent conversation, logic, respectful and mature discourse. I love people who know how to have that discourse and walk away still friends even if the conversation is heated.

I love my mother. I often don't understand her. I more often don't know how to talk to her. But I love her nonetheless.

Musically, I love Melody Gardot! I heard her on NPR the other day and can't stop listening to her. I love that she found music while recovering from a traumatic head injury, and then it became her life. She's amazing and so is her voice.
http://www.amazon.com/My-One-And-Only-Thrill/dp/B0027J4SKA/ref=pd_sim_dmusic_1

I love my friends, near and far. Y'all are insane, as Auntie Sugarbush says, not right in the head, but you are loving, amazing, wonderful human beings who enrich my life in more ways that I can list. Thank you.

What are you loving this week, my lovelies?

Peace out, homies,
L

TILTing Baby, One More Time

The fabulous Tee Tee makes us all want to be and feel better! To that end, she started posting lists of things she loves on Thursdays. It's an awesome way to refocus your energy and toss a little love and positivity out into the Universe. So many of us have followed in her footsteps.

Here's what I'm loving this week:

I love that Victor, who is just barely 6, is a voracious reader. As I sit here writing, he's finishing his second chapter book of the afternoon. Awesomeness!

I love that Oscar's favorite phrase right now is "what the BEAST?" He uses it when he doesn't understand or is surprised by something. It's his own little version of WTF? and it cracks me up EVERY time I hear him say it.

I love having grown up furniture in my bedroom! Ninja and I bought a new bedroom set last weekend and FINALLY have furniture as nice as the kids have. :) YAY!

I love having so many friends who are pregnant or with new babies. I love hearing their stories, seeing their pictures, and watching them become mothers to their babies. It's an awesome transition, not always smooth, but awesome nonetheless. Mostly, I love knowing that I can ooh and ahhh and smile and appreciate the cuteness without having to get up and feed it at 2am. :)

I love that I have local friends who love my kids as much as I do and think to include them in little things like lunch at school or trips to the park. That's the kind of stuff kids remember, and it's awesome. Thank you for being awesome!

I love honey crisp apples. They are the bombdiggity, yo. Seriously, manna from heaven. Or a tree. Whatever. Eat them!

I love autumn! The weather is amazing. The smells are so rich and delicious. I just can't get enough of fall.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE Halloween! I love seeing the kids dress up, hanging out with my local friends and their kids, seeing kids in the neighborhood meet and greet each other on the street. It's one of the few times during the year that the suburbanites come out of their houses with their kids. It's awesome to see just how many people actually live here!

I love the feeling that comes with finishing something and finishing well. I am surrounded by people who half ass everything they do (at work mostly), and it kills me. I love knowing that whatever I've done has been done to the best of my ability. I'm not perfect. I have my half assed days, but not much compares to finishing well.

I love getting organized. My desk at work was an atrocity until two days ago. Now everything has a place and is in it!

I also love binders and dividers! I couldn't run my classroom without them. Seriously, best organizational tool ever.

I love the smoky thick voice of Mercedes Sosa, a folk-type singer from Argentina :

http://www.amazon.com/Mercedes-Sosa-en-Argentina/dp/B0000015SU/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1256862352&sr=8-2

I love, LOVE my students. I had a sub yesterday because I was at the district office for meetings. The sub was apparently a complete asshat, cursing at the kids, lecturing them on their inferiority and the lameness of their home countries, insulting me and my classroom, throwing away or stealing my supplies-a reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaal doodad. At the end of the third hour several of my kids had had enough and walked out to get another adult to deal with him but not until he started to talk badly about me. I love that they care enough about me and what I do for them to be insulted and upset by what he said. I love that they were willing to get in trouble to defend me. Mostly, I love that they recognized how wrong he was about them, about me, and about what we do every day. They are super awesome kids! (And yes, the doodad will be dealt with.)

I love sarcasm and people who understand it.

I love poke wars with friends I rarely get to see. It makes them seem so close even when they are so far away. :)

And as always, I love the amazing, freakishly intelligent, witty, complex and truly loving and lovely mix of crazy I call my friends. Nothing would be the same without you.

So you, what are you loving today?

Peace out, homies,
L

TILT the 3rd

Again, following in the footsteps of my awesome friend Tee Tee, I'm here to declare my love and adoration for the following people and things:

I love evening walks with the boys in the crisp autumn air. Mostly I love that the Ninja and I have given them a life that allows for evening walks together. It's a luxury many families cannot afford, and I am grateful.

I love snuggling in the frosty mornings with both boys. They still nestle in when I curl up next to them and let me hug on them and sniff their hair, tickle them awake and wish them a good morning. I love that. I will miss it when they are too big for snuggles and tickling in the morning.

I love that Victor has discovered Tai Pei and Shanghai, puzzle games on the computer. Watching him try to work through the tiles, focused and so serious, makes me giggle and delights me to no end. He's becoming a man so quickly.

I love that Oscar, so independent and feisty and ornery, tells me I'm beautiful at random times and for no particular reason, but when I most need to hear it.

I love healthy babies and happy mamas. "The Best Doctor Ever" had her little boy earlier this week, and it makes me giddy with glee to know that she's a mama now. Luckiest little boy ever, right there. :)

I love that my favorite student got to go on a field trip to a pumpkin patch today. She had never been on a school bus, seen a pumpkin up close, or seen hay before. And she got to drink fresh apple cider, pick a pumpkin off the vine, and go on a tractor ride. She was so excited this morning when I saw her waiting for the bus. It made my eyes tear up. Still does. I can't wait to hear how her day went when I see her tomorrow.

I love that I work with people who care enough to include her in their activities, even though they have no reason to feel obligated. They are just that awesome and caring and compassionate. Truly remarkable human beings.

I love seeing my former students doing well for themselves. Pham, shut it. 3.7 at Berkeley is amazing. And if you want a 4.0, stop going to brownie parties and crack those books! ;0)

I love the smells of autumn. Spicy and warm, a little smoky, but oh so comforting.

I love scarves.

I love the interwebs and all of the wonderment they bring to my life, not the least of which is:

http://projectrungay.blogspot.com/2009/10/tim-gunn-is-tired-of-your-bullshit.html

I love cooking. Food is love, y'all. I love making dinner for the family and hearing them say they love it too. I don't love the dishes or cleaning up after cooking, but that's for another list. ;0)

I love those whores I call friends. Still. Always.

I love being tagged in TILTs. It makes me smile and warms my heart to know that my peeps love me as much as I love them. But it still always surprises and humbles me that they think to include me in their lists of beloved things and people. You honor me, bitches. Truly.

What are you loving today?

Peace out, homies,
L

TILTing 2.0

It's Thursday again! Yay! Time for some unsolicited and unconventional love!

Things I'm loving:

*Watching Victor ride his bike. He just learned to ride without training wheels. He's so confident and proud as he zips around on two wheels. I can see the silhouette of the man he is becoming and it makes me so happy to know that that man will be a good one.

*Listening to Oscar talk. His language grows by leaps and bounds every single day. At two he can articulate his wants, needs, likes, and dislikes, better than some adults. His perspective is so funny sometimes. I absolutely adore listening to him and his stories.

*That my husband will come home from work early to take care of the boys so I can go sit in a meeting and support my friends who are potentially losing their jobs. That he recognizes how important they are and how important my being there for them is, makes him awesome.

*That my sons like each other. You can hear their laughter pealing off the walls wherever they go. It is one of the most beautiful sounds in the world and it makes my heart happy.

*Blustery weather. We had thunderstorms the likes of which I'd never seen earlier this week. It was awesome and frightening and so damn cool. It was as close to a typhoon as I've ever been, and about as close as I'd ever like to be. :)

*My principal. I've worked in a lot of places and for a lot of people. But I've never worked for a person anything like Eick. He is an awesome and amazing human being, and he's damn good at his job. He makes you want to do yours better just by being around. He's taking a beating, we are all taking a beating, over the current budget crisis and impending cuts. That part sucks, but what I love is that even in the face of so much sad and angry, he's an upbeat and positive guy making everyone around him feel the same way. It's an honor, a privilege, and a sincere pleasure that I get to go to work with him every day. (And he's not on my page so it's not like he'll read this-no sucking up. All truth!)

*That my favorite student can now tell me good morning, goodbye, ask how I'm doing and tell how she's feeling each day. I love that she is gaining language every day, and that she's comfortable enough now to give me high fives and small hugs. I love that she looks for my signal to tell her she's gotten something right, and that I can see when she doesn't understand just by looking at her. I love that she WANTS to learn and WANTS to do what everyone else is doing and is willing to try even if she doesn't have the right answer. And I love that she draws and colors me pictures every day and says thank you when she pins them to my wall.

*I still love that I get to do this every day.

*Hebrew. Awesomeness.

*Change. Sometimes things get stale and stinky. Sometimes they get old and boring. Change is good. Change is necessary. Change keeps things alive and interesting.

*Bean soup.

*Helping the people I love understand each other. It doesn't always work, but I try anyway just in case.

* Being crafty. I suck at crafts, but it's fun to get my hands sticky and colorful in the name of pointless crafty fun.

*NPR and PRI.

*My peeps. All of 'em. You keep my heart happy and my feet on the ground. I will never be able to thank you enough for the rich and varied ways you make me better.

Peace out, homies.

L

Fasting

This year, I decided to fast in observance of Yom Kippur. I've attempted it in the past, but have never made it through the entire 25 hour period of fasting. It was a fascinating experience. I don't enjoy being hungry. It wasn't a particularly pleasant experience. But it gave me a sense of clarity and appreciation I've not experienced before. I take a lot for granted. I indulge too much in a variety of vices and luxuries that don't exist for many. Every pang of hunger, rumble of the tummy, and wave of dizziness reminded me how fortunate I am that this is not my every day existence. It brought into sharp relief the abundance of good fortune in my life and made me think about how often I take that for granted. It caused me to consider how desperately I need to make some changes, how irresponsible I've been in some regards, and reminded me how much I have to lose if I don't.
It was a quiet day of contemplation and consideration that I don't think I'd have had otherwise.

TILTing For The Very First Time

TILT stands for Things I Love Thursday.

My awesome friend Tee Tee started a tradition. Every Thursday she posts a list of things she loves. I'm a fan of public declarations of love and a huge fan of hers, so I've finally decided to hop on board and post a list of my own.

I love:

my kids. der. :) They are wicked tough to deal with somedays but they make my life exciting and colorful in ways I'd never imagined possible. They also remind me how awesome it is just to be alive on a daily basis.

my husband. He's a class act. He's not perfect, but neither am I. He tolerates my shit and still respects me in the morning. I call that a win.

my job. That I have one in this ecnomy is enough to love, but that I GET to go to work every day and do what I love is amazing.

my students. They don't realize how much more they teach me every day. Their stories are inspiring and heartbreaking and some days the progress they make takes my breath away.

that I have the luxury of fasting. I fasted in observance of Yom Kippur this year. While I fasted I thought a lot about why I was doing it and what it meant. I realized that for some people, that gnawing, aching hunger I felt in the middle of the day is an every day reality. For me it was a choice, a self imposed restriction, a luxury. It made me extremely grateful for the abundance of comforts I am privileged to enjoy.

my friends. No matter what, my friends know who I am and where I stand. They don't all know each other. They don't all love each other. But they all know and love me, and for that I am eternally in their debt.

the freak show that is my school's neighborhood. It never fails to provide me with the entertainment I need. Today I saw a nearly naked woman in a car full of filthy children shaving her face and neck with a bic razor parked out front. I am stiiiiiiill laughing!

the delete button and knowing when to stop myself. Some things should stay inside my head. I love that I have the self control to keep them there.

Cakeob (my friend Jakob) and his crazy music/lyrical status updates that bring me new and awesome music to experience.

days like yesterday that are the perfect mix of instruction and advocacy. They let me know I'm in the right place, doing the right things, and making a difference on this big round rock.

I'll stop. I could go on for days because things are just that awesome. :o)

Peace out homies,

L

Non-linear

I can usually find the words a friend in pain needs to hear. I can tell them to let their grieving happen. That it takes time. That there is no set schedule for grief or healing. That the process is not linear. Their pain and anger will ebb and flow, sometimes disappear and reappear seemingly at random. That it will eventually change, and in that change there will be better times. And when I say these things to my friends, I mean them. I know them to be true. They are not quippy phrases or Hallmark sentiments. They are lessons I've learned through my own pain and processing.
But when it IS my pain, when it IS my grief, I cannot get past the non-linear nature of it. I am frustrated by my sadness. Overwhelmed by my anger. I am angry at my inability to simply be o.k. I am annoyed by the hollow feeling and inescapable emptiness I sometimes feel, rather annoyed by inablitiy to just climb out of the hole this loss has created in my heart. Iam irritated by my regression; full of rage that I am back in a place, clouded and dark, where everything hurts or is numb. Because I should be past this. I should be over it. I should have healed by now. Instead, I am a raw nerve, frayed and tangled, just waiting for one more reason to shoot sparks of pain into the universe.
And I feel like a hypocrit.