Dear Ramon,

We weren't expecting that phone call. I don't think any of us thought you were capable of dying. I know I didn't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry we didn't visit more. I'm sorry the boys didn't get to know you the way they should have. I'm sorry I didn't insist that we spend more time with you.
We didn't always get along. We couldn't always be in the same room at the same time, but I hope you knew that I know how important you were, and still are, to John. You were the single most positive and influential person in John's life. You taught him how to be a man when no one else would. You were the one person I knew he would talk to, even when he wouldn't talk to me. You were more of a brother to him than his own brother has ever been. You gave him a chance, and a job, when no one else was willing. You helped him find his way, and led him to me. I never thanked you. I took it for granted that I'd have the time to tell you exactly what you meant to him, to us. I was stupid. And I'm sorry.
I hope you didn't suffer. I know you weren't ready. You said so. We weren't ready either.
You were loved, jefe. You still are.
L

Dear Oscar,

Two years ago today, you came flying into the world, surprising everyone with your strength,assertiveness, and absolute male-ness.

It doesn't seem possible that you are two years old already. You have been the light and laughter in our lives since the day you were born.
It seems ridiculous that there was ever a time without you.
You are learning to talk more and more each day. The words you use, the phrases you create, fascinate and amaze me. You are so very expressive. I love the way you have figured out how to show what you cannot say. Your hands are never still, and your mind is never quiet. Your little dances and playful songs make me giggle, and remind me how very lucky I am to get to spend this time with you.
I forget sometimes that you are only just two. Your soul is much older. Your eyes are so much deeper. They always have been. It's easy to get lost in them, to forget all the growing and learning you still have to do.
I look forward to what each day brings you, what each day brings us through you. You are fearless and adventurous, the bravest little boy I've ever met. Your curiosity and desire to see, learn, and know all you can will take you so far in life. Even when you frustrate me, you amaze me, little man. There has never been another little boy quite like you.
And I thank my lucky stars that you're mine. Happy birthday, my sweet prince.
May you have many, many more before you.
Love,
Mama

So Fast

It seems like it was just a week or two ago that I walked Vic into his first day of kindergarten, and here we are, already at the start of Winter break. He's terribly excited to not have school. I had thought it would take a few years before the shininess of school would wear off and break would seem like a good thing. But no, I was wrong. He's beside himself! Tomorrow is his class Christmas party. He gets to sing the dreidel song in front of his class, and then he gets to help me teach his class how to play dreidel. We went to World Market and found the cutest wooden dreidels and the chocolate gelt. He's just sad that he can't eat the gelt. I told him he could use Skittles instead, and he seemed even more excited at that prospect.
Once school lets out on Friday, there will only be a few short days to get ready for the start of Hanukkah, and then a few short days before Christmas. We've never done a big deal for Hanukkah before. I've always lit the menorah by myself, for myself, but I've never done any other celebrating. I'm a touch nervous. I'm sure it will be a touch awkward and clumsy, but it'll be fun. I got the boys a menorah of their own to light. I'll let Vic try to light it on his own. That will be an adventure in it's own right. Vic and fire should probably not make friends very often if I want the house to survive the holiday season. I've invited friends over for the first night. I'll make a big dinner and the kids can open their gifts. I bought some books for them to read and some games to play. I'm hoping it'll distract them long enough for me to get some pictures. Really, what I'm hoping, is that they'll remember the fun, the family, the light they bring to our lives.

I'm not sure how much I'll get blogged for the next few weeks while the kids are off, so if I don't get back to it, have a wonderful holiday!

Ruminations and Giving Thanks

Some things should stay INSIDE my head.

Another Year Gone

It's crazy how quickly time seems to pass. I remember as a kid, marking the days between birthdays and Christmases that seemed to go on and on and on just to annoy me. Each day seemed like a lifetime, each year an eternity. Any more, it's hard to see the days, let alone the years as they fly by. I don't mark time by holidays anymore. I mark time by the size of my kids' pants and the length of their hair, the piles of laundry, and the stains in the carpet. Birthdays roll around, and where once there were parties and excitement, there's a quiet nod and a wave as another year ends and a new one begins.
I don't hate my birthday. I don't hate getting older. In fact, since I was very little, very young, I can remember being excited to get older, loving the idea that the older I got, the more I could do. I hate the idea of getting old. I hate the idea of getting out of touch, and rusty, and crusty, and just out of sync with the world. I hate the idea of becoming soft-bodied and hard-hearted. I know it doesn't have to be that way, but I've seen what happens to the women in my family as they age. There are two roads, one leads to crazy and the other to crabby. Neither appeals to me. In fact, they both frighten me immensely. So, although I've only just begun my 31st year, I've decided to lay the foundation for a new road. I don't know where it leads, but I know it isn't where the others have gone. And when I'm ready to walk down it, I'm sure I'll be rockin' my tiara, my pin-stripped pants, and heels, or chucks if I decide to pave it in cupcake shaped cobblestone just for kicks.
And to those of you who've traveled down the road that has led me through this year, thank you. You make this journey rich with love and laughter. I can only hope that you continue to travel with me, paving as we go, so that I might have a chance to repay you.

Dear Victor and Oscar,

When you wake up tomorrow, it will be a brand new day.
For the entirety of your lives, we have lived in a nation submerged in doubt, fear, war, and deceit. Every day of your short lives I have worried about your futures, about the paths lying before you as citizens of this country and of this world. I have lain awake nights worrying about this war we’re in, and fearing that someday your names would be called to serve, to die, like so many before you. I have lain awake nights dreading the morning light; knowing that the coming dawn will bring higher gas prices, higher food prices, higher everything prices, and knowing that each cent spent on the basic needs of daily living leaves less to provide for your education, for your future. For the entirety of your lives we have lived under the direction of a President with no moral code, with no ethics, no conscience. We have lived in the shadow of his ego and self-serving ambitions. We haven’t seen the sun for 8 years.
But tomorrow, tomorrow when you wake up, you will wake up to the sun. Tonight as you sleep, the people of this nation have spoken. The people of this nation have decided that they are tired of the darkness. They are tired of the cold, impersonal, and abusive policies we’ve struggled and failed under for the last 8 years. They are through with hate and negativity and abuse.
Tonight, the people of this great nation elected Barack Obama to be the next president of the United States of America.
Barack Obama will not be able to end the war on his own. He will not be able to lower gas prices, food prices, anything prices on his own. He will not pay the mortgage or put food on our table. He will not send you to college. He will not be able to change anything on his own or immediately. He is not the messiah. He is not a god. He is but a man. But he is change. With his election, there is hope. With his election, there is potential for greatness that has not yet existed in your lives. He is the first black man to ever hold the office of President. And it’s a beautiful thing that the color of his skin will mean nothing to you when you are old enough to understand it. With his election, he has changed the very landscape laid out before you. The good he does will only add to the beauty of that landscape. I can’t wait for us to be a part of that good, to leave our mark on that landscape.
When you wake up tomorrow, we are going to celebrate. It’s a brave new world, my little men, and it’s full of hope.
Love,
Mama

Even Arnold Thinks You're Tarded

On Tuesday, in California, we'll be voting on more than the presidential race. As in every other state, we'll be voting on local measures and propositions. Proposition 8 asks the citizens of this state to ban gay marriage. It is asking us to openly and proudly embrace bigotry and hate, to teach our children that some people are better, more deserving of protection and respect, than others, and to generally be a huge disappointment to humanity. Fuck that shit. There is NOTHING good about Proposition 8. There is nothing good that can come from its passage. How anyone can read that tripe and see something good in it is beyond me. Even our governor, the Governator himself, who has often shown himself to be a first class pig, is opposed to this proposition.
As is Dianne Feinstein:

And Margaret Cho:

And Ellen:


and a whole host of other people who all have brains and working consciences. Look, I don't give a shit what the proponents of this proposition say. I am a teacher. I can tell you first hand that what you NEED to be worried about your kids learning is not happening in the classroom. It's happening on the playgrounds, in the cafeteria, on the walk to and from school, at home, on the Internet and anywhere there are kids who walk and talk and think for themselves. And let me tell you, what they ARE learning and learning about is FAR scarier than two people loving each other enough to want to spend eternity legally bound to each other. If you're worried about the things your kids are learning, what you need to do is talk to your kids. What you need to do is take the time to get to know your kids, get to know their friends, get to know the parents of their friends. What you need is to take responsibility for the raising of your kids, and be a responsible parent. If you want to be a bigot, that's your prerogative. If you want to raise little bigots, again, your prerogative. But your lifestyle choices are not my responsibility to maintain, nor should they be my burden to uphold. If they deny me and mine our rights, then they become my problem.
I, for one, hope that come Tuesday, the collective good of the Universe rains down upon California, and gives the Mormon Church and its cohorts a giant f-you finger with an overwhelming NO vote on Prop 8. I know I'll be waving my finger proudly as I cast my vote. I hope you'll join me.