TILTing 2.0

It's Thursday again! Yay! Time for some unsolicited and unconventional love!

Things I'm loving:

*Watching Victor ride his bike. He just learned to ride without training wheels. He's so confident and proud as he zips around on two wheels. I can see the silhouette of the man he is becoming and it makes me so happy to know that that man will be a good one.

*Listening to Oscar talk. His language grows by leaps and bounds every single day. At two he can articulate his wants, needs, likes, and dislikes, better than some adults. His perspective is so funny sometimes. I absolutely adore listening to him and his stories.

*That my husband will come home from work early to take care of the boys so I can go sit in a meeting and support my friends who are potentially losing their jobs. That he recognizes how important they are and how important my being there for them is, makes him awesome.

*That my sons like each other. You can hear their laughter pealing off the walls wherever they go. It is one of the most beautiful sounds in the world and it makes my heart happy.

*Blustery weather. We had thunderstorms the likes of which I'd never seen earlier this week. It was awesome and frightening and so damn cool. It was as close to a typhoon as I've ever been, and about as close as I'd ever like to be. :)

*My principal. I've worked in a lot of places and for a lot of people. But I've never worked for a person anything like Eick. He is an awesome and amazing human being, and he's damn good at his job. He makes you want to do yours better just by being around. He's taking a beating, we are all taking a beating, over the current budget crisis and impending cuts. That part sucks, but what I love is that even in the face of so much sad and angry, he's an upbeat and positive guy making everyone around him feel the same way. It's an honor, a privilege, and a sincere pleasure that I get to go to work with him every day. (And he's not on my page so it's not like he'll read this-no sucking up. All truth!)

*That my favorite student can now tell me good morning, goodbye, ask how I'm doing and tell how she's feeling each day. I love that she is gaining language every day, and that she's comfortable enough now to give me high fives and small hugs. I love that she looks for my signal to tell her she's gotten something right, and that I can see when she doesn't understand just by looking at her. I love that she WANTS to learn and WANTS to do what everyone else is doing and is willing to try even if she doesn't have the right answer. And I love that she draws and colors me pictures every day and says thank you when she pins them to my wall.

*I still love that I get to do this every day.

*Hebrew. Awesomeness.

*Change. Sometimes things get stale and stinky. Sometimes they get old and boring. Change is good. Change is necessary. Change keeps things alive and interesting.

*Bean soup.

*Helping the people I love understand each other. It doesn't always work, but I try anyway just in case.

* Being crafty. I suck at crafts, but it's fun to get my hands sticky and colorful in the name of pointless crafty fun.

*NPR and PRI.

*My peeps. All of 'em. You keep my heart happy and my feet on the ground. I will never be able to thank you enough for the rich and varied ways you make me better.

Peace out, homies.

L

Fasting

This year, I decided to fast in observance of Yom Kippur. I've attempted it in the past, but have never made it through the entire 25 hour period of fasting. It was a fascinating experience. I don't enjoy being hungry. It wasn't a particularly pleasant experience. But it gave me a sense of clarity and appreciation I've not experienced before. I take a lot for granted. I indulge too much in a variety of vices and luxuries that don't exist for many. Every pang of hunger, rumble of the tummy, and wave of dizziness reminded me how fortunate I am that this is not my every day existence. It brought into sharp relief the abundance of good fortune in my life and made me think about how often I take that for granted. It caused me to consider how desperately I need to make some changes, how irresponsible I've been in some regards, and reminded me how much I have to lose if I don't.
It was a quiet day of contemplation and consideration that I don't think I'd have had otherwise.

TILTing For The Very First Time

TILT stands for Things I Love Thursday.

My awesome friend Tee Tee started a tradition. Every Thursday she posts a list of things she loves. I'm a fan of public declarations of love and a huge fan of hers, so I've finally decided to hop on board and post a list of my own.

I love:

my kids. der. :) They are wicked tough to deal with somedays but they make my life exciting and colorful in ways I'd never imagined possible. They also remind me how awesome it is just to be alive on a daily basis.

my husband. He's a class act. He's not perfect, but neither am I. He tolerates my shit and still respects me in the morning. I call that a win.

my job. That I have one in this ecnomy is enough to love, but that I GET to go to work every day and do what I love is amazing.

my students. They don't realize how much more they teach me every day. Their stories are inspiring and heartbreaking and some days the progress they make takes my breath away.

that I have the luxury of fasting. I fasted in observance of Yom Kippur this year. While I fasted I thought a lot about why I was doing it and what it meant. I realized that for some people, that gnawing, aching hunger I felt in the middle of the day is an every day reality. For me it was a choice, a self imposed restriction, a luxury. It made me extremely grateful for the abundance of comforts I am privileged to enjoy.

my friends. No matter what, my friends know who I am and where I stand. They don't all know each other. They don't all love each other. But they all know and love me, and for that I am eternally in their debt.

the freak show that is my school's neighborhood. It never fails to provide me with the entertainment I need. Today I saw a nearly naked woman in a car full of filthy children shaving her face and neck with a bic razor parked out front. I am stiiiiiiill laughing!

the delete button and knowing when to stop myself. Some things should stay inside my head. I love that I have the self control to keep them there.

Cakeob (my friend Jakob) and his crazy music/lyrical status updates that bring me new and awesome music to experience.

days like yesterday that are the perfect mix of instruction and advocacy. They let me know I'm in the right place, doing the right things, and making a difference on this big round rock.

I'll stop. I could go on for days because things are just that awesome. :o)

Peace out homies,

L

Non-linear

I can usually find the words a friend in pain needs to hear. I can tell them to let their grieving happen. That it takes time. That there is no set schedule for grief or healing. That the process is not linear. Their pain and anger will ebb and flow, sometimes disappear and reappear seemingly at random. That it will eventually change, and in that change there will be better times. And when I say these things to my friends, I mean them. I know them to be true. They are not quippy phrases or Hallmark sentiments. They are lessons I've learned through my own pain and processing.
But when it IS my pain, when it IS my grief, I cannot get past the non-linear nature of it. I am frustrated by my sadness. Overwhelmed by my anger. I am angry at my inability to simply be o.k. I am annoyed by the hollow feeling and inescapable emptiness I sometimes feel, rather annoyed by inablitiy to just climb out of the hole this loss has created in my heart. Iam irritated by my regression; full of rage that I am back in a place, clouded and dark, where everything hurts or is numb. Because I should be past this. I should be over it. I should have healed by now. Instead, I am a raw nerve, frayed and tangled, just waiting for one more reason to shoot sparks of pain into the universe.
And I feel like a hypocrit.

Dear Joe Wilson,

You are a complete douche bag. Your little outburst during PRESIDENT Obama's speech last night threw into sharp relief the complete lack of respect you, your party, and people like you have, not only for the man in office, but the office itself. It is no wonder to me, any longer, why you allowed a complete idiot to be the face of your party for so long. You aren't smart enough to know better.

Had that speech been delivered by W, you would have applauded. Had that speech been delivered by anyone other than PRESIDENT Obama, you would have sat quietly through it, grumbled your dissent, and gone about your day. But because it was PRESIDENT Obama at the microphone, you felt entitled to openly call him a liar? Who raised you? Who taught you that the PRESIDENT of the United States is not entitled more respect than to be interrupted and openly insulted while addressing the nation he leads? You should be embarrassed and ashamed. Your party should, too.

Newsflash, snowflake. Your mama lied. You are not the center of the universe. You aren't even an important piece of the machinery. You've done little to nothing to make this place better. So until you get off your happy ass and do so, keep your commentary and criticisms to yourself. And for the love of Pete, remember your place. When the PRESIDENT is addressing you, keep your pie hole shut.

Sincerely,

This angry bitch now fueled by outrage.

One of THOSE days……

Have you ever had one of those days where everything you touch disintegrates beneath your fingers? Where everything you hear is a slight or an insult? Where everything you do turns out wrong, disastrously, inexplicably wrong? Have you ever had one of those days where no matter what you say or who is around, no one seems to hear you? Where everyone you meet needs a smack or a throat punch just to knock enough sense into them to make them go away? Have you ever just wanted to scream and shout and pull out your hair and have a giant flaming tantrum because the Universe is just pissing you off THAT much?

That was my day.

Why is it that one shit-brown day can undo weeks of positivity and hard work? Why does one little day, one single set of 24 hours, have so much power? Am I really that much of a sissy la la princess that a few hours of crappy behavior by others can make me feel so worthless and pathetic? When did I become such a weak-minded asshole? I mean, I am a grown ass woman. I have accomplished so much. I work hard. I have two beautiful kids and a marriage in progress. I have students I adore who work hard and do well. I have a job that matters. I make positive contributions every time I set foot on campus. I have friends who love me, and whom I love dearly. Why can a couple of dicks make me forget all the good I have around me so quickly? Why can one bad night turn it all on its head? What the hell is wrong with me that I can't put into perspective? I'm teetering on the edge of a complete flame out. Some of the people around me are just ridiculous. Their stupidity is so maddening, it's overwhelming. I need to get myself under control before I lose it and let them ruin everything I've worked for. Someone tell my temper because it's not listening to me anymore.

6

Dear Victor,
Every year, your birthday is a source of excitement and joy. You count down the days until it arrives, and are giddy the entire day of because it's 'your' day. 24 hours under your complete (albeit supervised) control. In the past, your birthdays have been filled with trips to the park and board games, soy ice cream and vegan cakes, movies and snuggling on the couch. In the past, you were a little boy. Today, your birthday was filled with school, a surprise trip to the golf course with your papa, and a late dinner out at the restaurant of your choosing. The day passed, hustled and bustled, and I barely had time to hug you tight, tell you I love you and wish you a happy day.
You are not a baby any more. You are a young man. There are days when I struggle to see you as you are and not as you used to be. But it's so easy to see the wonderful man you are becoming. You have been the light of our lives for six amazing years. I look forward to watching you grow and mature for many, many more.

I love you forever and always,

Your mama