A Thank You to the Supreme Douches Around Here

These people aren't neighbors, per se, but they do frequent my neighborhood and the businesses surrounding it. Their douchetastic behaviour warrants a thank you, in my estimation, for helping me teach my children how NOT to behave.

Dear Douche Dad,
Hi. You might remember me from the other day, but probably not. I was the crazed woman standing on the corner screaming at you as you careened down my street with your two year old in your lap steering your giant piece of shit. Yeah, that was me. Yep. I saw you. I saw your toddler, unrestrained, steering your car. Well, I saw him trying. I also saw him clapping, jumping up and down, turning around to face you, and pulling the wheel back and forth like a toy. I saw your car zig zag down my street, spend more time on the sidewalk than the actual street, and narrowly miss several groups of children and adults walking on the sidewalk. And then I saw you laugh. Motherfucker, you better be glad you were in your car and that I'm no longer a sprinter. My child plays outside. His friends play outside. My neighbors and I take walks with our families. You could have killed someone. There's a reason two year olds don't get driver's licenses. They. Can't. Drive. Had your car had a plate on it, I'd have called the cops on your ass. But I wish to thank you. Thank you for being SUCH a dumbass. Thank you for helping me teach my son the importance of being aware of his surroundings. Thank you for helping drive home the need to look both ways before crossing the street. Thank you for making my son believe me that there are supremely STUPID people in this world who do not think about their actions before taking them. THANK YOU, Douche Dad, for being such a stellar example of bad parenting that my four year old now thinks I'm the best parent in the world because I make him wear a seat belt.
Hope to never see you again!
L

Dear Stupid Whore,
You're old. My son is four. I know it's annoying when a kid bounces on the seat behind you and moves your chair. I know. It annoys the shit out of me too. But here's the thing, I had corrected him. I had made him stop. I was about to have him apologize to you. And he's four. When you take your gigantic geriatric ass and bounce his seat, making him drop his food and spill his water, you are not teaching him a lesson. He doesn't get it. Again, he's four. He just thinks you're fat, old, and mean. Or that you have really bad gas, because your fat rubbing on the vinyl seat made fart noises, which cracked him up. If you don't want to eat around children, you should not frequent restaurants catering to children during the lunch hour. Do us all a favor and stay home! But, Stupid Whore, I wish to thank you. Thank you for being such a bitch yesterday. Thank you for showing my son how not to behave in public. Thank you for demonstrating a total lack of manners and civility. Because of you, my son gets it now! He saw what an ass you made of yourself! He heard the cussing and rude things you said about him! We all did. And he understood that to mean that you are a monumental douche whose mother didn't teach her how to behave in public! So thank you, Whore! Thank you for helping me to instill a sense of compassion, courtesy, and civility into my son! Because of you and your supreme powers of assholery, my son will be a better human being!
Should we meet again, I won't be polite either!
L


Stay tuned for further acknowledgements and testimonials from the world of asshattery I live in!