TILTing into the new year

This year seemed to fly by and crawl along all at the same time. It's amazing how independent of reality one's perception of time can be. This is the last TILT of 2009, and so it seems fitting that it encompass all of the things I have loved and been loved by in this year of awkward advancement and self discovery.

As usual, I love my kids.
I love that Victor sees the world in his own matter of fact and analytical way. Everything is a puzzle for him to put together, a mystery to be solved, a clue to be read. I love that I can see his wheels spinning when he's picking something apart in his head. He sees things in such a direct and literal way, black and white with very little grey. He asks such great questions and believes there is an answer to every one, it's just a matter of finding it. It is a magical and amazing thing to see. I also love that Victor has discovered knock knock jokes.

I love that Oscar always has a song in his head and a laugh in his belly. He is ever the entertainer and the adventurer. But no matter what he's doing, he's humming a tune, singing a song, and dancing to the rhythm of the music in his head. Where his brother sees lines and grids of black and white, Oscar sees swirls and squiggles of color and texture. I love that he is already unapologetically his own person.

I love Ninja. I've come to realize over the curse of the last year that I take much of what he does for granted without meaning to. He loves me for who and what I am. And even when I try my hardest to push him away, he is steadfast and true, a constant in the chaos. I know for certain that my life would have taken a very different, and not better, path had I not met him when I did. Thank you seems so inadequate, and yet so necessary.

I love my job. I was out of the classroom last year and can honestly say that I have never felt as dissatisfied with my life as I did then. Returning to work confirmed for me that I am in the right place doing the right thing.

I love that I still have a job I love when so many of my friends have lost or will lose theirs. I feel extremely fortunate and so very, very grateful.

I love that I have the honor of doing something that makes a difference. As I was grading finals, I came across a note one of my students wrote me on the back of his test. He has been in my classes for 4 years. When he entered my class for the first time, he had only been in the country for a few days. He had a vocabulary of about ten words in English. He was shy and scared. For 2 years he did very little, and became one of those students you love but want to hurt because they just won't help themselves. He could not read. He would not write. Last year, he was in someone else's class, and he was in constant trouble and pretty rude to his teachers. But this year, things are different. And he wrote me a note telling me so. His note was a thank you note and an apology. He told me that he knew he had been difficult for everyone for the last three years and he was sorry for being rude, but he wanted to explain. He said that he could not read, he could not understand how the letters worked together or what they were supposed to sound like, and he was embarrassed. He said that this year, I taught him how to read and now everything makes sense. He said that for the first time since leaving his village, he feels like he can do something more than work in his uncle's store when he graduates. He said for the first time, he's thinking about graduating instead of dropping out. He said for the first time he actually wants to do his work and reads at home. Because he can. And he said thank you. He's not embarrassed any more.

I love constant and continued friendship.

I love that this year I was able to take my family to some of those constant friends. My worlds collided, and it made things so much more wonderful.

I love that I finally feel like an adult. I'm not a grown up, but I am an adult. I've never felt this confident, self assured, or independant as I have come to feel in this year.

I love that as a result of that confidence, I finally feel as if I deserve this life. I no longer feel as if I have to apologize for being me, for having what I have or doing what I do. I love knowing I'm worth loving.

I love that I have people who love me enough to tell me I'm an asshole when I need to hear it and expect me to do the same for them.

And I love that I have other people who call or text or email to remind me that my life is pretty amazing, and that I deserve for it to be so.

I love that I have found a place to be. Victor set me back on the path to finding a spiritual home, and Sara drew me a map. I love that in finding Beth Shalom, I found a community of people who take me for what I am and like it. The fact that I am ambivalent about the existence of God isn't an issue. I am not a pariah, an infidel, or an outsider. They want nothing from me and are always happy to see me. They are home.

I love Facebook for bringing new and different people into my life, making it all the more rich and varied.

I love the music I've discovered and the emotions it stirs.

I love that this list could go on and on. I am fortunate and grateful. I know how very different things could be.

I hope that this year ends on a high note for all of you. May the new year find you healthy, happy, and hopeful.

Thank you for being a part of my world. Be safe out there tonight so you can continue to be so.

Peace out, homies,

L

The Why Of It All

I found Jillian Michaels on Facebook today. Someone else became a fan and I followed a link. This is what greeted me at the top of her page.

"He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How"- Nietzsche. So true. Weight loss is hard. So how do you tolerate the "how" of it? The answer, "Why" is weight loss worth it. Example: are skinny jeans worth passing on donuts? Is avoiding heart disease worth 30 min of exercise? With the new year upon us, meditate on your "Why". Then begin educating yourself & acting on the "How".

Nothing could have been more appropriate than that quote on this day. I've been thinking a lot lately about why I do things, and more often than not, I find my motivation is exterior. I have become one of those people that rarely does anything for herself, and suffers for it. My kids, my husband, my friends never go without if I can help it. But I often do. I don't want for material things. I have more than enough food, a beautiful home, too many possessions. But I don't make time for myself. I don't take care of myself. I don't do for me what I do for others. And really, I think that the reason is that I've never felt like I deserved it. There are a million and one reasons that I could give for why I feel that way, but really, none of them matter.At this point, they have all become excuses. At some point, as an adult, you need to stop thinking about the negative lessons you learned as a child, let go of the impressions of yourself imposed upon you by others during your formative years, stop blaming your parents for your habits and predilections, and get the hell on with being a healthy and productive human being. And that's where I am. I've finally realized that, while it may be noble to live for my kids now, at some point, they will grow up and and move on into lives of their own, and I will be left with the repercussions of my current neglect. And I've only just realized that I deserve better.

I need to be the reason I get off the couch every day and go for a run. I need to be enough. My life, my well-being need to be what picks my ass up and pushes it out the door to the gym at 5am. I need to be my why. I am worth losing weight and getting healthy. I am worthy of it, too. It's just taken me until now to realize it.

A New Love

I was recently introduced to the AMAZING music and comedy of Tim Minchin. He is hilarious, insightful, irreverent and just absolutely, astoundingly, articulate. I can't get enough of him or his stuff. His song "White Wine In The Sun" is the best anti-Christmas/ Christmas song. Ever. Really. His ideas and his voice, his crazy hair and eye make-up and his general presence in and perception of the world remind me so much of my brother, Ray, that I am seriously becoming obsessed (in a non-stalker and totally healthy fan-girl kind of way!)
If you've not listened or experienced him, please do. He is incredible!

Enough

It's not that I don't have anything to say. But sometimes, I say something here and then don't know how to follow it. I posted last on the anniversary of my brother's death about my frustration and anger over the grieving process, and how long and protracted it can be. And then I didn't know what else to say. I've posted other blogs in other places (namely Facebook) but haven't brought them here because they seemed so disjointed with the mood I set with that post. And for some reason, it never occurred to me before now that there doesn't have to be continuity of theme and mood here any more than there does in my head. So I've had enough of splitting my posts and leaving the self loathing and painful posts hanging for months on end. I'm going to move my other posts here. So there'll be a bit of back dating and an influx of posts. Not a ton, but some, and then I'll try to get my head on straight and post here more often than not. For the whole three of you who pay occasional attention. :)

Tinseled TILT

It's been three weeks since I last TILTed. The end of the semester sucked the life out of me for a bit there. So today's TILT will include pieces from weeks past. It's a mixed bag on this Christmas Eve. :)

I love the excitement running through the boys' veins. Their energy and absolute adoration for this time of year is palpable. It's so much fun to watch and an honor to be a part of.

I love that my kids get to celebrate both Hannukah and Christmas. They win the holiday jackpot! I love that neither is JUST about presents for them or for us, that who they see is just as important and awesome for them as what they see in that box or under the tree.

I love my students. I've said it before, but really, they are awesome human beings. Many of my kids are away from their parents. They are living here with other relatives or friends. I love that when one of them has a birthday, the others pitch in and throw that kid a party during lunch. Someone comes late or leaves early to get a cake, they gather in my room, and they celebrate with and for each other. None of them ask for it. None of them expect it. But they all participate. It's an incredible and amazing thing to watch. It nearly brings me to tears every time they do it. It's such a little thing, but to the kids who otherwise wouldn't have a party or be celebrated or even acknowledged, it means the world.

I love the cold, sharp winter air. I don't so much love the itchy skin, but I can't get enough of the cold air into my lungs when I'm outside. It's my own little version of crack. :)

I love snow! It snowed! At my house! That hasn't happened in 30 years! It was barely enough to notice, but enough to paint the grass white for a few hours and cause my kids to lose their shit. It was awesome. I want more!

I love the lights and decorations, the music and the sounds of this season. I'm not always in the mood for it, but when I see my kids' faces light up over a song on the radio or movie on tv, it changes pretty quickly.

I love that Bette Midler found a way to Jew up classic Christmas carols. Her album "Cool Yule" has been on heavy rotation for a week now. :)

I love my trashy chili pepper lights on the outside of my house and on my mantle. I love the blue beast of a tree in my living room.

I love baking. I love the way the house smells when something's in the oven. I love the way the boys pop in and out of the kitchen while it's cooling on the rack, begging for a taste or just a little piece. I love having something sweet to share with friends when the mess is made and the baking's all done.

I love clarity.

I love Chinese food and movies when the rest of the world is running like mad to be somewhere else.

I love surprises (of the non-explosive variety) in my mailbox! I don't know why, but I am always surprised when I open the box and find a card or letter in there addressed to me. It makes my day and leaves me feeling all warm, tingly, and loved. :)

I love the quiet. It doesn't happen often, but as I type, my house is blissfully silent. The boys are sleeping. The Ninja is otherwise occupied, and I'm alone with my laptop and my thoughts. Heaven.

I love my people. My life would not be the wonderland it is without your contributions to it. You keep me sane and make me crazy all at the same time, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you. I am thankful for you. And I hope you know that all year long.

Whether or not you're celebrating in the morning, I hope your day is an awesome one full of the things and people you love most.

Peace out, homies,
L