The Why Of It All

I found Jillian Michaels on Facebook today. Someone else became a fan and I followed a link. This is what greeted me at the top of her page.

"He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How"- Nietzsche. So true. Weight loss is hard. So how do you tolerate the "how" of it? The answer, "Why" is weight loss worth it. Example: are skinny jeans worth passing on donuts? Is avoiding heart disease worth 30 min of exercise? With the new year upon us, meditate on your "Why". Then begin educating yourself & acting on the "How".

Nothing could have been more appropriate than that quote on this day. I've been thinking a lot lately about why I do things, and more often than not, I find my motivation is exterior. I have become one of those people that rarely does anything for herself, and suffers for it. My kids, my husband, my friends never go without if I can help it. But I often do. I don't want for material things. I have more than enough food, a beautiful home, too many possessions. But I don't make time for myself. I don't take care of myself. I don't do for me what I do for others. And really, I think that the reason is that I've never felt like I deserved it. There are a million and one reasons that I could give for why I feel that way, but really, none of them matter.At this point, they have all become excuses. At some point, as an adult, you need to stop thinking about the negative lessons you learned as a child, let go of the impressions of yourself imposed upon you by others during your formative years, stop blaming your parents for your habits and predilections, and get the hell on with being a healthy and productive human being. And that's where I am. I've finally realized that, while it may be noble to live for my kids now, at some point, they will grow up and and move on into lives of their own, and I will be left with the repercussions of my current neglect. And I've only just realized that I deserve better.

I need to be the reason I get off the couch every day and go for a run. I need to be enough. My life, my well-being need to be what picks my ass up and pushes it out the door to the gym at 5am. I need to be my why. I am worth losing weight and getting healthy. I am worthy of it, too. It's just taken me until now to realize it.