New Decade, New Perspective

For as long as I can remember, 30 has been the magic number, the number I've feared and anticipated since I was a child. It has always been the number of adulthood, the magic number at which I would become old. I remember being a kid and thinking that anyone in their 30's was close to death and must be so scared to be almost done living. I was a dumb kid. While I've grown and come to realize just how far from death 30 is, on some level, that thinking stuck with me. I began to see 30 as the death of my youth, the beginning of a period in my life where it would be unacceptable to be child-like at all. I relish acting like a child! My inner twelve year old boy needs air time at least once a day! The thought of having to be grown up all the time was depressing. All last year, I was displeased about my impending change of decade. I, at various times, wanted to skip the day entirely and pass quietly into a new decade without ceremony or notice. Thinking that, if I paid it no attention, the adultness of the number wouldn't apply to me. The closer the day came, the more upset I got. And then my friends stepped in. Most of my friends are older than me. All of them are successful, independent, amazing women. They all told me how ridiculous I was being, that 30 was way better than 20, and a whole host of other things that were wise and sensical. So I entered the day pensively. I examined my every feeling and twinge, every creak of my spine and crack of my joints, and realized they're the same damn twinges, creaks, and cracks I've had since I was 16. I walked through the day owning my adultness, and enjoying the fact that I can still act like a complete retard, and exercise that inner twelve year old boy, without losing and adult-cred. The surprising thing about turning 30 has been the validation I feel. I feel like I've earned my place in the adult world, and it's not such a bad thing. During my 20's, I felt like an imposter, like a little kid playing at being an adult in an adult world. And although it wasn't a conscious thing, I believe that underlying feeling of 'faking it' kept me from doing things I need and want to do, like pursuing an advanced degree and taking on certain posts at work. But now that I'm 30, I'm a real adult. I've earned the right to be where I am. I belong in the adult world. And I like it. Thank you bitches.