a father and daughter should just not discuss. Fecal sacks and breast feeding rank at the top of that list. Particularly in the same conversation.
My father observes no such boundaries or rules of decorum. Whatever pops into his fetid little head comes right out of his mouth. He called to say Happy Thanksgiving this morning, and instead read to me from his medical reports detailing all of his newest, shiniest ailments. Included in the litany of diabolical afflictions which he imagines will eventually kill him, was acute pressure on the fecal sack secondary to a slipped disk in his back, at which point he informed me "I can't stand up straight, and Ifeel like I have to shit all the time." Nice. From his pressurized ass, he ventured to my breasts and whether or not I still nurse my infant son. Ten minutes later, after hearing all about what a saint my mother was for nursing all five of us, even after we had teeth, I answered that I was, indeed, still nursing Count Latchula. For this, I received the verbal equivalent of a good game ass slap. "Ah, good girl. You know that's what they're there for. And they look nice too. Hehe. Hehe. Hehe." Good. God. Kill me now. I can't believe I share the man's DNA. I live for the day my mother tells me she had an affair and I'm her love child.
Happy Thanksgiving hookers! May you have poop-free dinner conversations!
Thanksgiving Letter to the Family
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Dear Family, Once again, we will gather for turkey and all the trimmings
this Thanksgiving. Trump remains a pain in my rump, but I have decided to
rise ab...
5 months ago
6 comments:
That's quite the conversation- not only on Thanksgiving but with your Dad. Yikes! Is he going to the George school of parenting and inappropriate conversation? (I hope Holly reads this!)
Definitely the George School of Parenting. In fact, he may have had a four year scholarship.
I had a poop free Thanksgiving...but it was replaced with religious dvd's. And not enough food. I'm still pissed.
I'm shocked Lisa had a poop free Thanksgiving. That's just not her style.
I'm sorry your dad was born without a filter. That makes for TMI all over the place.
Sheryl and Michelle, you two crack my shit up. He HAD to have gone to George's school, or at least to school WITH George!
Lisa, I'm afraid that I consider religious DVDs to be in the poop category, so you did not, in fact, have a poop-free Thanksgiving. And that sucks!
Gracie, I'm sure he was born with one. If you ask him, I'm POSITIVE he'll tell you all about how Agent Orange burnt it out of him in Vietnam. (He was a file clerk, btw. Think Radar from MASH, only without a gun. Yeah, he's hardcore.)
Ah, gods...yeah...there're a few other things that shouldn't come up in a conversation with your father, but I think we can just stop there. (Thanks for the encouragement this morning...really helped!)
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